I dunno know. Perhaps the hammer for the brush or maybe just the brush. Im so excited by art. The idea of expression. Thought released. By any means. And yet i draw blank. Not sure how to express the ideas i hold. Crippled. My skull the shell. I wonder if i ever had talent. If i can even do this shit. All i do is scribbled the same damn faces over and over again. Is that it? Is that all i do? Draw shitty fucking line drawings of people who font exist. The absence of my creativity hurts. Thats what i was suppose to be and now i find that its not there or is it? I dont fucking know. All i know is i keep drawing these shitty fucking line drawings of people on everything and i think they look….nice. Simple but clear. Just what i want. But there must be more.im scared that i ruined my creativity some how.coroded it by toxic means.by being stagnant.
So i was outside last night just wanderin waitin for my pa to leave the house again, kinda high not wantin to b around him. So i pop a squat on this bench i thought was funny cuz it was just gone cuz of the snow bank anyway old lady dog walker comes by and like “you alright honey? You gotta warm bed tonight?” Im kinda wanting to see how far i can take this so i talk to her tell hers i got a bed. Shes like “its drugs isnt it? They got you?” Uuuhhh “is it alright if i say a prayer for you?” Sureeee
So there i sit on a bench non existant,stoned with some old lady kneeing down before me praying to the lord to save my soul. Im just thinkin u seem sorta crazy but fuck man some people belive in god completely and have so much faith its strange. She did say some shit that was sorta proper like how no one cares about if you kill yourself no one will rmbr you. Nice lady, nice lady.
Thats always a solid plan just dont sell urself short.
Honest tho just walk into every shop and ask if they need help eventually u will find something. Like i got fired recently, same day i went out and found a fucking new job just like that. Although it does kinda suck balls….. You could always just sell drugs eh?
So i sorta got firedfrom work today eh pretty chate i feel a lil shitty. I had some hope that i could talk it over with my main boss and it be good but then i found a 26 of tequila with like a quarter left so i kinda took that as a msg from god or whoever that i fucked up ahaha
Oh well i drank the tequils which was nice and cold and defiatly not just piss rebottled. However i prob couldnt taste the diffrence anyway cuz tequila is rannnnk. Anyway shit got me drunkish so i just went out on a nice lil job hunt right after and just like that found work. Starting friday just real real part time stuff but i might get a solid dishwashing job at some asain resturant or atleast i hope. I was feelin pre good after all that even with like the loss of income but i come home and my dad baited my shit…… And i still have hw to do so yea i could be doin better heh
Im so happy when i go against that fucking inner desire to just get fucked up and stay sober. Its kinda shit at first but later on in the evening its so rewarding. Just being straight you know? Not having to mission around,not being able to sleep. Just resting. Its a battle man and its kinda rough having my thoughts rip me apart but im gonna try and stay straight and figure my shit out :)
So we split the bottle, i get tipsy? She gets wasted. Then she gets sick and its like fuck man fuck like she was real sick and had cramps too fuuuuccckkk
Shes so delicate its crazyyyy. She gets hurt and bruised so easy shes a lil flower its cute but kinda lame at z same time. I just feel so bad man. She seemed like she was hurting so bad and i didnt know what to do. I didnt know how to help her. The only thing that helps is time to my knowledge. I just feel so bad. Like she was shaking dude…i was sorta holdin her down tryin to stop it but like she kept shakin. I just feel so bad. Its funny tho before she felt so good on it. ” vodka is the best invention ever!” ,” i love you do you love me?”x100 etc etc
It was her forth time drinking…..ever
I just hope she feels betta tmrw.
Actually so stoked i got a job. Ive been looking for one for so long. The interview and shit wasnt even bad. I got hired on the spot. I start on friday so we will see how it goes. I imagine it will be pretty tiring.but man i got a fucking job this is so dope.ill be able to do more stuff now and actually get to smoke weed semi often.this is just so sweet really.the place is only ten mins away from my house too.